Are You and Your Partner Speaking the Same (Love) Language?
Sometimes love feels confusing—not because it’s missing, but because you and your partner may be speaking different love languages. Discover how understanding these can bring you closer.
In every relationship, how we express love can vary based on our upbringing, culture, and family of origin. We might show affection by giving gifts, spending quality time, offering physical touch, using words of affirmation, or helping with acts of service. These differences can lead to misunderstandings—especially when partners speak different "love languages."
The concept of love languages was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992. He identified five primary ways people express and receive love:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Understanding your partner’s love language can improve emotional connection, reduce resentment, and help you both feel more seen and appreciated.
Why Love Languages Matter in a Relationship
When two partners speak different love languages, what begins as simple miscommunication can turn into feelings of rejection, resentment, and emotional distance.
For example, imagine one partner values words of affirmation, while the other shows love through acts of service. The first partner might feel unloved if they don’t hear “I love you” or receive verbal encouragement, even though their partner is showing love by doing helpful tasks like making coffee or cleaning the car. The result? One partner feels emotionally neglected, while the other feels unappreciated.
Over time, this disconnect can lead to:
Emotional withdrawal
Misunderstandings
Resentment
A breakdown in communication
How Misunderstanding Love Languages Affects Emotional Safety
If one partner feels unheard or unseen in how they understand love, they may begin to withdraw emotionally to protect themselves. On the other hand, the partner offering love through their own lens may start to feel rejected or unacknowledged. This mutual misunderstanding can erode trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.
The key is learning to recognize and respond to each other’s love languages—even when they differ. For instance, if your partner expresses love through acts of service, shifting your attention to appreciate those efforts can soften resentment and rebuild connection. Similarly, if your partner understands that you need verbal affirmations, they may begin to use words more intentionally to meet your emotional needs.
Building a Healthier Relationship Through Shared Understanding
When partners learn to speak each other’s love language, the relationship often becomes more:
Emotionally fulfilling
Connected
Resilient during conflict
Grounded in empathy and mutual appreciation
This deeper understanding fosters secure attachment and encourages more open conversations about needs, boundaries, and past experiences with love.
Additional Resource:
A free quiz to help you identify your own love language. Better yet, have your partner take the quiz too!
Read more about the benefits of marriage/couples counselling.