The Mental Load and Emotional Labour in Relationships: Why It Matters

“I’m the one who remembers everything—and I’m exhausted.”

I hear this often in couples counselling sessions. One partner feels like they’re holding the invisible threads of the entire household together—while the other assumes everything is “fine.”

This feeling doesn’t always come from dramatic conflict. Often, it’s a quiet kind of exhaustion that builds slowly over time. It’s what we call the mental load and emotional labor, and though it’s invisible, it weighs heavily on many relationships.

Let’s talk about what it is, why it matters, and how we can begin to shift the balance.

What Is the Mental Load?

The mental load is the behind-the-scenes management of life:

• Remembering the dentist appointment

• Noticing the groceries are running low

• Tracking kids’ school events

• Prepping for the weekend visit to the in-laws

• Being the one to initiate important conversations

It’s the constant mental to-do list that never gets written down but always runs in the background. It’s not just doing the tasks—it’s keeping track of them, often for everyone.

And it can be exhausting.

What Is Emotional Labor?

Emotional labor goes deeper. It’s the work of caring for the emotional climate of the relationship or family:

• Checking in with your partner’s mood

• Soothing hurt feelings

• Planning quality time to stay connected

• Avoiding topics to “keep the peace”

• Being the one who says, “Can we talk?”

It’s often done silently—and disproportionately—by one partner, typically the one who’s more emotionally attuned. Over time, this imbalance can quietly erode connection and breed resentment.

Why Is This Labor Invisible?

The truth is: many partners don’t realize it’s happening.

These tasks are rarely talked about or acknowledged. If one person is naturally more organized, empathetic, or detail-oriented, they may end up taking on more—even unintentionally. And once these roles are set, they can be hard to change.

This doesn’t mean one partner is “bad” or unwilling. Often, it’s about awareness. Many couples simply haven’t had the space or language to name what’s happening.

Why It Matters

When the mental and emotional load is carried unevenly, the relationship becomes imbalanced—like one person is rowing a two-person boat on their own.

Here’s what I often see:

• One partner feels taken for granted, overwhelmed, or emotionally depleted

• The other feels confused—“Why are you so upset?”

• Communication breaks down, and small issues turn into deeper disconnection

The good news? This dynamic can shift. But first, it needs to be seen.

Opening the Conversation

Talking about the mental load and emotional labor isn’t always easy—but it’s necessary.

If you’re the one carrying more of it, start with vulnerability, not blame:

“I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I’m noticing that I keep track of a lot of things behind the scenes, and it’s starting to take a toll. Can we talk about ways to share this more?”

If you’re hearing this from your partner, try to listen with curiosity, not defensiveness. Even if it’s new information, this conversation is an invitation to reconnect—not a sign of failure.

How Couples Counselling Can Help

Sometimes, this imbalance has been building for years—and it’s hard to know where to start. That’s where couples counselling comes in.

In therapy, we create a space where both partners can speak honestly, feel heard, and work together toward a relationship that feels more mutual, fair, and fulfilling.

We unpack:

• Patterns of communication

• Unspoken expectations

• Emotional needs

• And practical steps to rebalance the invisible work

It’s not about keeping score. It’s about creating a partnership where both people feel supported and valued.

You Deserve to Feel Seen

If this post resonates with you, know that you’re not alone—and you’re not overreacting. The emotional and mental labor you carry matters, because you matter. Couples counselling is a great way to broach these conversations in meaningful ways where neither party feels attacked or dismissed. Learn more about how our counsellors can help.

Autumn Anxiety: Why Fall Can Trigger Emotional Ups and Downs

When you think of fall, what comes to mind?

Maybe it’s cozy sweaters, crisp air, changing leaves, or your favourite warm drink. But for many people, fall brings something else — a shift in mood that can feel like anxiety, sadness, restlessness, or just feeling off. If you’ve ever noticed your emotional state dipping around this time of year and thought, “What’s going on with me?” — you’re not imagining it.

There’s actually a name for this experience: autumn anxiety.

What Is Autumn Anxiety?

Autumn anxiety isn’t a clinical diagnosis, but it describes a real, seasonal pattern that many people experience. It refers to feelings of worry, tension, low mood, or unease that tend to emerge in late summer and early fall — even in people who don’t usually struggle with anxiety.

This emotional shift might show up as increased irritability, restlessness, sleep disruption, or just feeling out of sorts. You might not know why you feel off — which can be frustrating in itself.

Why Does Fall Trigger These Feelings?

There are several reasons why this season affects us more deeply than we might expect — and many of them are rooted in psychology, neuroscience, and biology.

1. Less Daylight, More Mood Disruption

As the days grow shorter, exposure to natural light drops. This change affects your circadian rhythm (your body’s internal clock), which plays a major role in regulating sleep, energy, and mood. Less sunlight means lower serotonin (a mood-stabilizing brain chemical) and increased melatonin (a sleep-inducing hormone), which can leave you feeling tired, foggy, or low.

2. The Brain Doesn’t Love Uncertainty

Fall is full of transitions — back to school, new routines, changing weather, and the approaching holiday season. Even if these changes seem small, your brain still registers them as uncertainty — and uncertainty is one of anxiety’s biggest triggers.

From a psychological standpoint, anxiety often shows up when our brains are scanning for potential threats or feeling like we’ve lost control. So even if nothing is “wrong,” the sheer unpredictability of this season can make us feel more anxious or on edge.

3. Nervous System Activation

Big seasonal transitions can activate your autonomic nervous system, particularly the sympathetic nervous system (your body’s stress response). You might notice symptoms like faster heart rate, shallow breathing, tension in your shoulders, or difficulty concentrating — all signs that your nervous system is trying to stay alert in the face of change.

Grounding practices like slow breathing, body scanning, or gentle movement can help bring your system back into a more balanced, “rest and digest” state.

4. The Loss of Summer’s Ease

Summer often brings a break in routine, more outdoor time, vacations, and a sense of lightness. As fall approaches, there’s a shift toward structure, responsibility, and shorter days — all of which can signal to the brain that we’re entering a more demanding or restrictive season. That can stir up a kind of seasonal grief, even if it’s subtle.

5. Anticipation Stress

Fall is often a season of anticipation — looking ahead to holidays, family gatherings, financial planning, or end-of-year deadlines. The brain can treat this kind of future-focused pressure as a stressor, even if everything feels manageable right now. This is called anticipatory anxiety, and it’s common during times of buildup or transition.

Autumn Anxiety vs. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

While autumn anxiety shares some similarities with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), they are different experiences.

• Autumn anxiety tends to center around restlessness, tension, or unease related to transitions and shorter days.

• SAD is a subtype of depression that follows a seasonal pattern, typically starting in late fall or winter. It often includes low mood, hopelessness, loss of interest in activities, and physical symptoms like sleep changes or appetite shifts.

If you suspect you may be experiencing SAD, it’s important to talk to a mental health professional. Light therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and other supportive treatments can help.

How to Support Your Mental Health During the Fall

Here are a few evidence-based strategies that can help regulate your mood and nervous system through seasonal changes:

Get Natural Light Early

Aim for 15–30 minutes of outdoor light in the morning, even on cloudy days. Natural light exposure helps regulate melatonin and serotonin production, which directly affects energy, mood, and sleep.

Stick to a Consistent Routine

Your nervous system thrives on predictability. Going to bed and waking up at the same time each day, eating regular meals, and creating gentle daily rituals can help ground you.

Move Your Body

Physical activity helps release stored stress, regulate your nervous system, and improve your mood. Even light movement like walking, stretching, or yoga can make a difference.

Limit Information Overload

Fall often brings a spike in digital overload — work emails, school updates, and upcoming holiday plans. Consider setting boundaries around news and screen time, especially before bed.

Practice Self-Compassion

If your energy or mood drops, try not to judge yourself. Emotional changes are a normal part of seasonal transition. Give yourself permission to slow down, say no, or adjust expectations.

Talk to Someone

If anxiety or low mood is starting to interfere with your daily life, therapy can help you explore what’s coming up and develop effective strategies to manage it.

You’re Not Alone

It’s easy to feel like you should be thriving in the fall — especially with all the cozy, Pinterest-perfect imagery that surrounds this season. But mental health doesn’t follow the calendar. If autumn feels heavier, harder, or more anxious than you expected, you’re not broken. You’re human.

At Kristen Holbrook Counselling, we support people through the emotional ups and downs of every season. Whether you’re navigating autumn anxiety, burnout, or simply need space to reflect, we’re here to help you feel more grounded and supported.

Meet our Counsellors or schedule a free phone consult.

Feeling Back-to-School Jitters? Support and Counselling Tips for Families in Coquitlam

If the back-to-school season brings a mix of excitement and a little knot of worry in your stomach, you’re definitely not alone. Whether you’re a kid about to walk into a new classroom, a young adult stepping into the big world of college, or a parent quietly holding space for all of it — those feelings are real, and they matter.

At our Coquitlam counselling practice, we see so many families facing these exact moments. Anxiety around school isn’t just about tests or homework — it’s about change, identity, connection, and feeling seen. And sometimes, it feels bigger than you expected.

Let’s talk about how this shows up for youth, young adults, and parents — and why asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

What’s Really Going on with Back-to-School Anxiety?

It might help to know that anxiety isn’t just some “mental hiccup” or something you can push aside. It’s actually your brain and body trying to protect you — like an alarm going off when something feels uncertain or new.

Think about it this way: when you or your child face a new school year, the brain’s “fear center” (called the amygdala) is on high alert. It’s telling your body to get ready — heart beats faster, palms sweat, thoughts race — all the classic signs you’ve probably felt.

And that’s why anxiety can also show up physically: headaches, stomach aches, trouble sleeping. It’s your body reacting to stress hormones flooding through, even if there’s no immediate danger.

On top of that, anxiety can make it really tough to focus or remember things — which can make schoolwork and social situations feel even harder.

How Counselling Helps Calm the Storm

The great news? Counselling isn’t just about talking through worries — it teaches your brain and body how to dial down that alarm.

For example:

• With things like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we work together to spot those scary “what if” thoughts and gently question them. Is that worry really true? What else could be happening?

• Simple tools like deep breathing or grounding exercises help your nervous system slow down, bringing you back to the here and now.

• Therapy also helps build your personal toolkit for managing stress — things like time management, setting boundaries, or practicing kindness toward yourself.

• And maybe most importantly, counselling creates a safe space where you or your child can feel heard, understood, and supported — which is huge when anxiety feels overwhelming.

For Kids & Teens: More Than Just Butterflies in the Stomach

If you’ve ever seen your child wake up with a pit in their stomach before school, or if you’re a teen who dreads the lunchroom or that first day, you know it’s about more than “just nerves.”

It might be:

• Wondering if they’ll find a friend who really gets them

• Fearing they’ll mess up or not be good enough

• Feeling invisible or overwhelmed by everything new

• Worrying about fitting in or standing out — in all the wrong ways

Counselling can be a quiet space for kids and teens to voice these fears without judgment. It’s about learning how to face those worries, build confidence, and remember they’re not alone in this.

For Young Adults: The Pressure of “Figuring It All Out”

If you’re between 18 and 25, the back-to-school jitters can look a bit different. Maybe you’re moving out on your own for the first time, balancing a heavier course load, or feeling the pressure to “have it all together” when inside you’re a bit lost.

That sense of comparison — seeing friends who seem to have it easier — can fuel anxiety. And sometimes, the excitement about a fresh start mixes with deep uncertainty about what’s next.

Therapy isn’t about fixing you; it’s about unpacking the pressure, setting your own pace, and carving out space to breathe and grow — even if the path isn’t perfectly clear.

For Parents: The Silent Struggle Behind the Smile

Parents, you are often the quiet heroes during this time. You manage schedules, soothe fears, pack lunches, and still wonder if you’re doing enough.

Maybe you worry about your child feeling anxious but don’t know how to help. Or perhaps your own stress about work, finances, and family makes the back-to-school season feel heavy.

Counselling can offer you a breath of fresh air. It’s a chance to process your own worries, learn to hold space for your child’s feelings without losing yourself, and find ways to support your family — with kindness and patience.

When Back-to-School Anxiety Becomes Too Much

Sometimes, those jitters grow into something harder to manage — sleepless nights, constant worry, or physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches. If this sounds familiar, it’s a good sign to reach out for support.

Remember, anxiety isn’t a weakness; it’s a signal that you or your loved ones deserve care and understanding.

A Little Help Makes a Big Difference

At our Coquitlam counselling practice, we’re here for every part of this journey. Whether you’re a young person facing a daunting first day or a parent wanting to support your child without losing yourself — you don’t have to do it alone.

Therapy is a space to explore, grow, and build resilience — to walk into the new school year with a little more calm and a lot more confidence.

Ready to take the next step?

Reach out for a free consultation or learn more about how we support youth, young adults, and parents through back-to-school transitions and beyond.

The Hidden Costs of Social Media: How It Impacts Youth Mental Health

Social media has become an everyday part of growing up — a digital playground where teens and tweens socialize, express themselves, and stay connected. But behind the filters and hashtags, many young people are silently struggling with the hidden pressures of life online.

Let’s talk about the real impacts of social media on youth mental health, and what parents and caregivers can do to support healthier digital habits.

The Comparison Trap

Platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat often promote unrealistic beauty standards, curated lifestyles, and highlight reels of others’ lives. For a developing teen brain, constantly comparing themselves to influencers or even peers can lead to:

• Low self-esteem

• Body dissatisfaction

• Anxiety and depression

What may start as scrolling for fun can quickly become a cycle of self-criticism.

Sleep & Screen Time Struggles

Teens often scroll late into the night, responding to messages or checking likes. Studies have shown that:

• Increased screen time is linked to sleep disturbances

• Poor sleep can worsen emotional regulation and concentration

• Lack of downtime may increase risk for burnout and mood swings

When social media becomes constant, rest and reflection take a backseat.

Cyberbullying and Online Harassment

While bullying used to end at the school gate, today it can follow youth home. Social media can amplify cruelty through:

• Anonymous messages

• Exclusion from group chats

• Public shaming or “canceling”

This type of digital harassment can have deep emotional consequences, especially for teens already struggling with identity or belonging.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

Social media fosters a constant fear of being left out. Teens may feel:

• Pressured to post or perform to stay relevant

• Anxious when friends hang out without them

• Stressed about replying instantly or keeping up appearances

This creates an overwhelming sense of always being “on”, which can feel exhausting and isolating.

Mental Health Red Flags to Watch For

If you’re concerned about a child or teen, look for:

• Withdrawal from friends or activities

• Constant checking of notifications

• Irritability when screen time is limited

• Sleep issues or fatigue

• Sudden changes in mood, eating, or appearance

These may be signs that social media is negatively impacting their mental health.

Algorithmic Addiction — The Science of Hooking Teens

One of the most insidious and lesser-known dangers of social media is how it’s designed to be addictive—particularly to the still-developing brains of adolescents.

Built Like a Slot Machine

Social media platforms use algorithm-driven content loops that function much like slot machines. Every time a teen opens Instagram, TikTok, or Snapchat, they’re rewarded with a variable hit of content that’s unpredictable yet instantly gratifying. This random reward system triggers the brain’s dopamine response, reinforcing the behaviour.

Over time, this builds into a cycle of compulsive checking, scrolling, and posting, especially in youth whose brains are wired for novelty, risk-taking, and peer approval.

Did You Know? Studies show that social media lights up the same brain areas as gambling and substance use, especially in adolescents.

Teens Are Especially Vulnerable

The adolescent brain is still developing its prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for impulse control, decision-making, and long-term planning. This makes teens more susceptible to addictive design features, such as:

• Infinite scroll

• Push notifications

• Likes and streaks

• Personalized content feeds

These features are not neutral; they are engineered to maximize time on screen, regardless of mental or emotional cost.

Doomscrolling and Dopamine Burnout

Many teens get stuck in “doomscrolling” loops—passively consuming negative or anxiety-inducing content late at night. This habit not only disturbs sleep and worsens mood but can blunt the brain’s dopamine response over time, leading to:

• Reduced motivation

• Mood swings

• Increased sensitivity to stress

• Decreased enjoyment of offline activities

Warning Signs of Algorithmic Addiction in Youth

Watch for signs like:

• Panic or irritability when separated from their phone

• Compulsive checking during meals, school, or social events

• Decreased interest in hobbies or time with family

• Difficulty sleeping due to nighttime scrolling

How Parents and Caregivers Can Help

1. Open the Conversation
   Create a safe space to talk about what they’re seeing and feeling online — without judgment.

2. Set Tech Boundaries Together
   Collaborate on limits that work for your family. Consider device-free meals or wind-down routines.

3. Model Healthy Habits
   Kids notice how adults use their phones too. Try being mindful of your own screen time.

4. Prioritize Sleep and Real-Life Social Time Poor sleep and loneliness amplify the need for digital escapism. Create routines that support:

   • A regular bedtime without screens an hour before sleep

   • Face-to-face time with friends or family (even just walks or shared meals)

5. Know When to Seek Help
   A counsellor can help teens build self-worth, cope with anxiety, and navigate social pressures — online and offline.

You’re Not Alone

The digital world is changing fast, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed as a parent. If your teen is struggling with the mental load of social media, we’re here to help.

At Kristen Holbrook Counselling, we support youth and families through compassionate, evidence-based therapy in Coquitlam and online across BC.

Ready to Talk?

Our team of counsellors can help you take steps to towards a healthier balance with technology.