Are You and Your Partner Speaking the Same (Love) Language?
Sometimes love feels confusing—not because it’s missing, but because you and your partner may be speaking different love languages. Discover how understanding these can bring you closer.
In every relationship, how we express love can vary based on our upbringing, culture, and family of origin. We might show affection by giving gifts, spending quality time, offering physical touch, using words of affirmation, or helping with acts of service. These differences can lead to misunderstandings—especially when partners speak different "love languages."
The concept of love languages was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992. He identified five primary ways people express and receive love:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Understanding your partner’s love language can improve emotional connection, reduce resentment, and help you both feel more seen and appreciated.
Why Love Languages Matter in a Relationship
When two partners speak different love languages, what begins as simple miscommunication can turn into feelings of rejection, resentment, and emotional distance.
For example, imagine one partner values words of affirmation, while the other shows love through acts of service. The first partner might feel unloved if they don’t hear “I love you” or receive verbal encouragement, even though their partner is showing love by doing helpful tasks like making coffee or cleaning the car. The result? One partner feels emotionally neglected, while the other feels unappreciated.
Over time, this disconnect can lead to:
Emotional withdrawal
Misunderstandings
Resentment
A breakdown in communication
How Misunderstanding Love Languages Affects Emotional Safety
If one partner feels unheard or unseen in how they understand love, they may begin to withdraw emotionally to protect themselves. On the other hand, the partner offering love through their own lens may start to feel rejected or unacknowledged. This mutual misunderstanding can erode trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.
The key is learning to recognize and respond to each other’s love languages—even when they differ. For instance, if your partner expresses love through acts of service, shifting your attention to appreciate those efforts can soften resentment and rebuild connection. Similarly, if your partner understands that you need verbal affirmations, they may begin to use words more intentionally to meet your emotional needs.
Building a Healthier Relationship Through Shared Understanding
When partners learn to speak each other’s love language, the relationship often becomes more:
Emotionally fulfilling
Connected
Resilient during conflict
Grounded in empathy and mutual appreciation
This deeper understanding fosters secure attachment and encourages more open conversations about needs, boundaries, and past experiences with love.
Additional Resource:
A free quiz to help you identify your own love language. Better yet, have your partner take the quiz too!
Read more about the benefits of marriage/couples counselling.
How Core Beliefs Shape Relationships: Why You and Your Partner See Things So Differently
Our core beliefs act as lenses through which we interpret the world, shaping how we see situations and others—explaining why perspectives often differ.
What Are Core Beliefs?
Core beliefs are the deeply held assumptions we have about ourselves, others, and the world around us. They influence how we think, feel, and behave—often without us even realizing it. These beliefs are usually hidden in our mental “blind spots,” but they shape how we interpret events and relate to others, including our romantic partners.
How Are Core Beliefs Formed?
Core beliefs are formed early in life, primarily through our experiences within our family of origin—the first community we belong to.
They are shaped by the messages we receive directly or indirectly through:
What we're told
What is modeled for us
How we perceive the world around us
These messages may be explicit ("You’re so smart") or implicit (emotional neglect or inconsistency). Over time, they become the internal framework through which we understand ourselves and others—what psychologists call a subjective reality.
A Helpful Analogy: The Tree and the Roots
Think of a person like a tree:
Core beliefs are the roots—hidden but foundational.
Just like roots are influenced by the soil, water, and space in which they grow, our beliefs are shaped by the emotional environment of our childhood.
If you grew up in a loving, stable home, you may develop core beliefs like:
I am lovable.
People can be trusted.
The world is safe.
On the other hand, if you grew up with criticism, chaos, or neglect, your beliefs might sound like:
I’m not good enough.
Others will hurt me.
The world is unpredictable or unsafe.
By around age five, our beliefs begin to solidify. Like the top layer of soil covering the roots, we may no longer be aware of these beliefs, they continue to shape how we respond to life and relationships.
Core Beliefs in Romantic Relationships
Because core beliefs operate beneath the surface, they can lead to misunderstandings, assumptions, and emotional conflict between partners. Two people can interpret the same moment in very different ways:
One person might view a missed text message as rejection.
The other might see it as no big deal and assume everything’s fine.
These differing interpretations are often driven by unconscious beliefs, not the actual behavior.
Core beliefs can also affect how we perceive our partner’s intentions. If I believe deep down that I’m not important, I may interpret my partner being late as proof that I don’t matter—even if they were stuck in traffic.
Understanding Core Beliefs Can Strengthen Your Relationship
When you become more aware of your own core beliefs, and take the time to understand your partner’s, you gain powerful tools for:
Building empathy
Reducing conflict and misunderstanding
Strengthening emotional intimacy and connection
Creating a more compassionate and supportive relationship
Final Thoughts
Your core beliefs shape the lens through which you view your partner, your relationship, and even yourself. By becoming more curious about these hidden influences, you open the door to deeper understanding, healthier communication, and greater emotional connection.
Interested in learning more about how core beliefs affect your relationship?
Read more about our counsellors who can help you explore these patterns in a safe, supportive space.