How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Setting boundaries is a key part of maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your mental health — but many people struggle with one major obstacle: guilt.

You may know that saying “no” or asking for space is the right choice, but still feel overwhelmed with worry about how others will respond. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone — and the good news is that learning to set boundaries without guilt is possible.

At Kristen Holbrook Counselling, we help clients explore boundary-setting as a powerful part of self-care and emotional healing. Here’s how to start setting boundaries that feel good — and stick.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our time, energy, values, and emotional wellbeing. They help define what we’re okay with and what we’re not.

Examples of healthy boundaries:

• Saying no to social events when you need rest

• Not answering work emails outside of office hours

• Asking for emotional support without judgment

• Limiting contact with people who drain or disrespect you

Boundaries aren’t about pushing others away — they’re about creating space for healthier connection and self-respect.

Why Does Setting Boundaries Feel So Hard?

If setting boundaries leaves you feeling selfish, guilty, or anxious, you’re not alone. These feelings often come from:

• People-pleasing habits

• Fear of conflict or being disliked

• Cultural or family expectations

• Low self-worth or over-responsibility for others’ emotions

For many people, the difficulty starts early. In your family of origin, you may not have seen boundaries modelled in healthy ways — or you may have learned that your needs weren’t welcome.

• Were you told it was rude to say “no”?

• Did you feel responsible for keeping the peace?

• Were your emotional or physical boundaries regularly ignored?

If your voice wasn’t heard growing up, or setting limits led to guilt or consequences, it makes sense that boundary-setting feels unsafe or selfish now. If you were never shown that boundaries are healthy, it’s understandable that they feel unfamiliar or even threatening. But boundaries are a learnable skill — and one that can transform how you relate to yourself and others.

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

1. Recognize that guilt doesn’t mean you’re wrong

Guilt may show up simply because you’re doing something new. Instead of avoiding guilt, try to ride the wave — notice the discomfort, and act from your values anyway.

If you feel guilty, set the boundary anyway. The only way guilt fades is by practicing the new behavior. Over time, your nervous system begins to recognize that it’s safe to speak up — and boundary-setting becomes your new normal.

“Discomfort doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice — it might just mean it’s a new one.”

2. Start with small, low-stakes boundaries

Build your confidence by setting limits in everyday situations and practice with those that you know will respect your boundaries:

• “I won’t be available after 6 PM.”

• “I am unable to talk tonight, I will call you tomorrow.”

These small moments help you rewire the belief that your needs aren’t allowed.

3. If your default is saying “yes,” buy yourself time

If you tend to say yes automatically out of habit, pressure, or people-pleasing, one of the most helpful tools is to pause.

Try saying:

• “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

• “Can I think about that and let you know?”

Giving yourself space allows you to check in with your real needs instead of reacting from guilt or obligation.

4. Use “I” statements and stay kind but firm

You can be respectful and compassionate and hold a boundary.

Example: “I really value our friendship, and I also need some space right now to recharge.”

5. Don’t overexplain or justify your boundaries

Many of us were taught that we have to “earn” our no — especially if we grew up in environments where saying no wasn’t accepted. But you don’t need to provide a long explanation or defend your choice. You are allowed to protect your time and energy — without guilt, without apologies.

Short, clear statements are enough:

• “I’m not available that day.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I need to say no.”

The more you practice this, the more grounded your boundaries will feel.

6. Separate others’ reactions from your responsibility

You can’t control how someone feels about your boundary — only how you express it.

You are responsible for your needs. They are responsible for their reactions.

This separation is key in letting go of guilt.

7. Explore the roots of guilt in therapy

When guilt feels overwhelming or deeply ingrained, it’s often tied to old emotional patterns — like childhood beliefs that your worth depends on being agreeable, accommodating, or self-sacrificing.

Therapy can help you explore where those beliefs came from, understand them with compassion, and learn how to shift them.

You Deserve Space to Protect Your Wellbeing

Healthy boundaries are a crucial part of emotional wellness — and learning to set them without guilt can be freeing, empowering, and healing.

At Kristen Holbrook Counselling, our experienced team in Coquitlam can help you:

• Understand the emotional roots of guilt and people-pleasing

• Learn boundary-setting tools that feel clear and compassionate

• Strengthen your confidence and sense of self

Learn more about our counsellors or book a free 15-minute consultation today to get support in creating boundaries that honour your needs and deepen your relationships — without the guilt.

ADHD Isn’t Just About Distraction—Here’s What’s Really Going On

Why Can’t I Just Focus?”

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “Why can’t I just do the thing?”—whether it’s replying to an email, starting that laundry, or focusing in a meeting—you’re not alone. For people with ADHD, that internal struggle is real, exhausting, and often misunderstood.

ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) is way more than fidgeting or being easily distracted. It affects how your brain regulates focus, time, motivation, and even emotions. And no—it’s not about laziness or not trying hard enough.

It’s Not a Deficit of Attention—It’s Trouble Managing It

One of the biggest myths about ADHD is that people just lack attention. Actually, many people with ADHD have plenty of attention—sometimes too much! The real issue is that the brain struggles to control where that attention goes.

You might zone out during a Zoom call… but spend five hyperfocused hours reorganizing your bookshelf. This isn’t inconsistent effort—it’s the ADHD brain looking for interest, not just importance.

What ADHD Feels Like Day to Day

Living with ADHD can feel like having 100 tabs open in your brain all the time… and a few of them won’t stop playing music.

Some common experiences:

• Starting five tasks and finishing none

• Forgetting why you walked into a room

• Feeling overwhelmed by “simple” tasks

• Saying yes too fast, then regretting it

• Missing deadlines despite working all day

• Getting emotionally flooded or snapping quickly

And then—when you’re really interested in something—you might totally lose track of time because you’re in hyperfocus mode. ADHD is full of these contradictions, which is why so many people feel misunderstood.

So… What’s Happening in the Brain?

In ADHD, the brain has some differences in executive functioning—the stuff that helps you plan, prioritize, follow through, and manage impulses.

There’s also a difference in how the brain handles dopamine, which plays a big role in motivation and reward. Simply put: boring tasks don’t spark enough dopamine to keep your brain engaged… but something exciting or new? That lights it up like a Christmas tree.

This is why ADHD brains often crave novelty and stimulation. It’s not about chasing thrills—it’s about finally feeling focused and alive.

ADHD and Time: A Complicated Relationship

If you often underestimate how long things will take—or feel like time just disappears—you might be dealing with time blindness, a common ADHD symptom. It’s why deadlines sneak up, appointments get missed, or that “quick” task turns into a three-hour rabbit hole.

ADHD Isn’t Just a Kid Thing

Tons of people are diagnosed with ADHD as adults—especially women, who often go overlooked. That’s because girls are more likely to internalize symptoms (like anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing), rather than bouncing off the walls.

Many adults don’t realize they have ADHD until:

• Their child gets diagnosed and they start seeing the patterns

• They burn out trying to “keep up” with life

• They hit a big life transition (like parenting, starting a new job, or going back to school)

Oh—and Sleep? That’s a Whole Other Story

People with ADHD often have a hard time winding down. Your brain might feel “on” even when you’re physically tired, making it hard to fall asleep. And poor sleep only makes focus, mood, and energy worse the next day. (Fun, right?)

Sensory Overload Is a Thing Too

ADHD isn’t just about focus—it can also affect how you process the world around you. Some people are super sensitive to noise, lights, textures, or crowded spaces. Others barely notice these things at all.

If you’ve ever left a grocery store feeling totally fried by the lights, sounds, and chaos—that might be your ADHD talking.

It Often Comes with “Bonus” Conditions

ADHD rarely shows up alone. It often overlaps with:

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Learning differences

• Autism

• Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) – a deep emotional reaction to feeling rejected or criticized

If you’ve ever felt like “everything is too much” emotionally—it might not be just anxiety. It could be your brain reacting in an ADHD way to emotional cues.

But It’s Not All Struggle—There Are Strengths, Too

Let’s not forget: ADHD comes with some serious superpowers.

Many people with ADHD are:

• Exceptionally creative and idea-driven

• Quick-thinking in high-pressure situations

• Passionate, energetic, and resourceful

• Able to see patterns and connections others miss

• Intuitive, empathetic, and deeply caring

Sure, you may forget where you left your phone for the third time today—but you also might be the person with the most innovative ideas in the room.

So What Helps?

First, know this: trying harder doesn’t work. Trying differently does.

Helpful supports include:

• ADHD-informed therapy or coaching

• Medication, when appropriate, to support focus and mood

• External supports (visual timers, reminders, checklists, body doubling)

• Creating routines that are flexible, not rigid

• Learning to work with your brain, not against it

And perhaps most importantly: learning self-compassion. ADHD isn’t a character flaw—it’s a brain difference. You deserve tools and support that actually fit you.

Final Thought: You’re Not Alone in This

If this blog feels like it’s describing your inner world—there’s a reason. ADHD is more common than we think, and many people go years (even decades) without realizing what’s going on.

The good news? There’s help, there’s understanding, and there’s absolutely a way forward.

Reach out today to book a free consultation or learn more about how we can support you.

Counselling Isn’t Just for Crisis: Why Therapy Can Help You at Any Stage of Life

Why Counselling Isn’t Just for Crisis

When you hear the word counselling, what comes to mind? For many people, it's something they associate with times of crisis—after a loss, during a mental health breakdown, or when life feels completely overwhelming. And while counselling can absolutely be a lifeline during those moments, it's also so much more than that.

At our Coquitlam counselling practice, we often remind clients that you don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, many people come to counselling because they want to feel better, build healthier relationships, gain insight into their patterns, or simply take care of their mental health. Counselling can be an important part of ongoing self-care and personal growth—not just a response to stress or trauma.

There’s a common misconception that counselling is only for emergencies. But much like you wouldn’t wait for a medical issue to become severe before seeing a doctor, you don’t need to wait until you're struggling to see a counsellor. Seeking counselling can be a proactive step toward understanding yourself more deeply, building emotional resilience, and developing practical tools to navigate everyday life.

Counselling offers a safe, supportive, and confidential space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Whether you're going through a life transition, feeling stuck in old patterns, or simply want to gain clarity and direction, counselling can help you feel more grounded and empowered. It’s not about having something “wrong” with you—it’s about investing in your overall well-being.

If you're in Coquitlam or the surrounding areas and are considering counselling, know that it’s okay to seek support even when life feels “mostly fine.” Counselling can help you thrive—not just survive.

Here are just a few reasons people come to therapy—and why it might be helpful for you, too.

1. You’re Feeling Stuck or Unsure

Life doesn’t always come with a clear roadmap. Maybe you’re trying to figure out your next step in your career, questioning a relationship, or simply feeling disconnected from the person you used to be. Counselling gives you space to pause, reflect, and reconnect with yourself in a meaningful way.

2. You Want to Improve Your Relationships

Whether it’s with a partner, family member, or even your coworkers, relationships can be complicated. We often hear clients say, “I just want to communicate better,” or “I keep having the same arguments.” Therapy can help you understand patterns, improve communication, and build healthier, more connected relationships.

3. You’re Managing Stress or Burnout

Life in Coquitlam—like anywhere—can get busy. Between work, family, and everything in between, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Counselling can help you slow down, manage anxiety, and find tools that work for you. It’s not about “fixing” you—it’s about supporting you through the day-to-day.

4. You’re Going Through a Life Change

Transitions—big or small—can stir up a lot. Whether you’re becoming a parent, going through a breakup, retiring, or moving to a new city, these moments often come with a mix of emotions. Therapy offers a safe place to process, adjust, and find your footing again.

5. You’re Looking for Personal Growth

Therapy doesn’t have to be about solving a problem. Sometimes it’s just about becoming more you. Counselling can help you explore your values, set goals, and build the life you truly want. It’s a powerful form of self-care and personal development.

6. You Want to Be Proactive About Your Mental Health

Just like we go to the gym to keep our bodies healthy, counselling is a way to take care of your mental and emotional well-being. You don’t have to wait until things fall apart. You’re allowed to seek support before it feels urgent.

What Counselling Looks Like at Our Coquitlam Practice

If you’re considering counselling, we’re here to help you feel seen, heard, and supported. Our practice offers a welcoming, non-judgmental space where you can show up exactly as you are. We work with adults, youth, children, couples, and families, and tailor our approach to your unique needs and goals.

Whether you’re navigating a big change or simply wanting to check in with yourself, therapy can be an incredible investment in your well-being.

If you’ve been thinking about trying counselling—or even if you’re just a little curious—we’d love to connect. Reach out today to book a free consultation or learn more about how we can support you.

Are You Engaging in Distorted Thinking? How Cognitive Distortions Shape Your Reality

Have you ever been absolutely sure of a conclusion—only to second-guess yourself later? Or has someone pointed out that your reaction seemed irrational in hindsight? If so, you may have been engaging in distorted thinking, often driven by something called cognitive distortions.

What Are Cognitive Distortions?

Cognitive distortions are automatic, habitual patterns of thinking that lead us to conclusions not fully grounded in reality. These mental shortcuts often "fill in the blanks" when we lack complete information, usually without us realizing it.

We all use cognitive distortions from time to time. They're part of how the brain tries to make quick judgments. But when left unchecked, these patterns can fuel anxiety, anger, and negative self-perception.

How Do Cognitive Distortions Work?

Cognitive distortions are especially active when we’re feeling anxious, angry, or overwhelmed—times when the brain’s reasoning center isn’t fully engaged. In these moments, we’re more likely to rely on emotional thinking or assumptions.

Example: Mind Reading

Imagine this: you see an acquaintance, wave hello, and they walk past without acknowledging you. You immediately think, “They must not like me.”
That’s a cognitive distortion known as ‘mind reading’—assuming you know what someone else is thinking without any real evidence. In reality, the person may have simply not seen you or been lost in thought.

Why Are Cognitive Distortions Harmful?

These distorted patterns often lead us to build emotional “cases” based on assumptions, not facts. Once a biased belief is formed, we unconsciously look for evidence to support it—strengthening the distortion and deepening the emotional impact.

Over time, distorted thinking can:

• Increase stress and anxiety

• Fuel anger or resentment

• Damage self-esteem

• Create conflict in relationships

• Prevent clear, rational decision-making

How to Recognize and Challenge Distorted Thinking

Step 1: Learn the Types of Cognitive Distortions

Some common types include:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking – “If I fail at this, I’m a total failure.”

• Catastrophizing – Expecting the worst-case scenario.

• Overgeneralizing – “I always mess up.”

• Labeling – “I’m such a loser.”

• Should Statements – “I should always be in control.”

The more familiar you are with these patterns, the easier they are to spot.

Step 2: Identify the Thought

When you notice a strong emotional reaction, pause and ask:

• “What was I just thinking?”

• “Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?”

Step 3: Challenge the Thought

Use a cognitive distortions worksheet or challenging questions tool to help you reframe your thinking:

• “What else could explain this situation?”

• “Would I say this to a friend?”

• “What evidence do I have that this thought is true—or false?”

Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Clarity and Emotional Balance

Distorted thinking isn’t a flaw—it’s a habit. But it’s one that can be changed with awareness, curiosity, and consistent practice.

By learning to recognize cognitive distortions, you can take a powerful step toward clearer thinking, improved emotional regulation, and healthier relationships—with yourself and others.

Additional Resources:

List of cognitive distortions.

Challenging questions worksheets: a shortened version and a longer version with examples.

Read more about how our counsellors can help.