Differing Perspectives in Relationships Driven by Core Beliefs?

Do you ever wonder why you and your partner view a situation in a completely different way? Do you feel like you just do not see eye to eye? Do you ever question why your partner feels or behaves so differently than you do in any given situation? Differing core beliefs may be the answer to these questions.

The way in which we view ourselves, the world, and the people around us are informed by our core beliefs. Our core beliefs are often hidden in our “blind spots” and so we are not always aware of this. They affect how we interpret situations and our experiences. They are also powerful driving forces behind why we think, feel, and behave in the ways that we do.

So let me start by explaining how core beliefs are formed. Core beliefs are shaped by our early experiences in the first community we enter, our family of origin. They become the foundation for our own subjective reality. Core beliefs are shaped by the messages we are given either implicitly or explicitly at a very young age through what we are told, what is modelled, and how we perceive the world around us.

I often use an analogy of a tree to help understand core beliefs. If we were all trees, our core beliefs would be our roots. Just like roots are shaped by their environment (the quality of soil, how much water they receive, and the amount of room they have to grow) our core beliefs are shaped by our childhood environments.

We may come to understand the world as safe or unsafe, stable, unpredictable, scary, or harsh. We may learn that other people are consistent, untrustworthy, cruel, or loving. We also learn about ourselves. For example, I may learn that I am failure, I am unlovable, I am bad, or I don’t belong. I may also learn that I am smart, successful or “good.”

Around the age of five the lens through which we see the world becomes more solidified. Coming back to the tree metaphor, I compare the lens to the top layer of soil. We may no longer be able to identify our core beliefs (see our roots beneath the soil) however they are informing how we interpret our experiences and surroundings.

These interpretations can be drastically different from how our partner may interpret the exact same situation leading to confusion and possibly even conflict. Our core beliefs can also influence how we perceive our partners’ actions which can at times cause misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions.

When we better understand our own core beliefs as well as the core beliefs of our partner, we not only better understand why our partner may feel or behave differently than we do in a situation but it also helps to build intimacy, connection, compassion, and understanding.

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