Are You and Your Partner Speaking the Same (Love) Language?

We each learn ways of expressing our love and appreciation. How we express our love may be influenced by our early experiences, cultural influences, and family of origin. We may communicate our love by giving gifts, through touch, through words, spending time with our partner, or through acts of service. The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman in 1992 and suggests that each of us has a predominant way of expressing our love.

So why is it important to understand our spouse’s love language?  Speaking different love languages can often start as a simple miscommunication that can have significant consequences. For example, when one person’s love language is words of affirmation and their partner’s love language is acts of service, the message can be lost in translation.  

Let’s say I understand love when it is expressed through words. I may become insecure, resentful, and begin to believe that my partner does not truly love or care about me when my partner does not verbally express their love. I may feel disconnected from my partner and begin to distance myself from my partner to protect my feelings of vulnerability. I may even start to feel as though something is lacking in my relationship.

If the resentment and insecurity build up up over time, they could cause me to focus on what my partner is not articulating through words. This, in turn, prevents me from noticing that my partner is demonstrating their love in the ways they know how to express love such as making me coffee every morning or cleaning my car (acts of service).  

Not only am I hurt and resentful but my partner may start to feel unappreciated which may in turn cause my partner to feel resentful. This may result in a rift in our relationship causing a rupture or communication breakdown.

If we learn how our partners communicate their love and appreciation, we can start to “hear” the message and it will no longer be lost in translation. If we learn how our partners understand love, we can work towards communicating our love in a way that our partners can understand.

For example, I could start to focus my attention on my partner’s acts of service and understand that this is how my partner is showing me love. Instead of feeling resentful about what my partner is not doing, I may begin to feel special, loved, and emotionally safe. My partner could also learn that I understand love through words of affirmation and my partner can begin to make more attempts in using words to express love.  

This will allow for a more fulfilling relationship where both partners feel understood and appreciated.  This can strengthen attachment which can also lead to greater conflict resolution and empathy when conflict does arise.

Speaking the same love language as our partner will allow for intimacy, connection, communication, trust, and emotional safety.  In understanding our partners’ love language, we learn more about our partners and we take their needs into account. This can also lead to conversations about how, and from whom, we learned about love and how it is expressed facilitating open and honest communication.

If you are interested in learning more about love languages, there are many resources such as books on the topic and online. There are quizzes that can help you decipher what your love language is as well as your partner’s. A relationship counsellor can also help to facilitate the conversation strengthening your bond and allowing for both partners to feel understood.

Click here for a quiz to help you identify your own love language. Better yet, have your partner take the quiz too!