How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

Setting boundaries is a key part of maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your mental health — but many people struggle with one major obstacle: guilt.

You may know that saying “no” or asking for space is the right choice, but still feel overwhelmed with worry about how others will respond. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone — and the good news is that learning to set boundaries without guilt is possible.

At Kristen Holbrook Counselling, we help clients explore boundary-setting as a powerful part of self-care and emotional healing. Here’s how to start setting boundaries that feel good — and stick.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our time, energy, values, and emotional wellbeing. They help define what we’re okay with and what we’re not.

Examples of healthy boundaries:

• Saying no to social events when you need rest

• Not answering work emails outside of office hours

• Asking for emotional support without judgment

• Limiting contact with people who drain or disrespect you

Boundaries aren’t about pushing others away — they’re about creating space for healthier connection and self-respect.

Why Does Setting Boundaries Feel So Hard?

If setting boundaries leaves you feeling selfish, guilty, or anxious, you’re not alone. These feelings often come from:

• People-pleasing habits

• Fear of conflict or being disliked

• Cultural or family expectations

• Low self-worth or over-responsibility for others’ emotions

For many people, the difficulty starts early. In your family of origin, you may not have seen boundaries modelled in healthy ways — or you may have learned that your needs weren’t welcome.

• Were you told it was rude to say “no”?

• Did you feel responsible for keeping the peace?

• Were your emotional or physical boundaries regularly ignored?

If your voice wasn’t heard growing up, or setting limits led to guilt or consequences, it makes sense that boundary-setting feels unsafe or selfish now. If you were never shown that boundaries are healthy, it’s understandable that they feel unfamiliar or even threatening. But boundaries are a learnable skill — and one that can transform how you relate to yourself and others.

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

1. Recognize that guilt doesn’t mean you’re wrong

Guilt may show up simply because you’re doing something new. Instead of avoiding guilt, try to ride the wave — notice the discomfort, and act from your values anyway.

If you feel guilty, set the boundary anyway. The only way guilt fades is by practicing the new behavior. Over time, your nervous system begins to recognize that it’s safe to speak up — and boundary-setting becomes your new normal.

“Discomfort doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice — it might just mean it’s a new one.”

2. Start with small, low-stakes boundaries

Build your confidence by setting limits in everyday situations and practice with those that you know will respect your boundaries:

• “I won’t be available after 6 PM.”

• “I am unable to talk tonight, I will call you tomorrow.”

These small moments help you rewire the belief that your needs aren’t allowed.

3. If your default is saying “yes,” buy yourself time

If you tend to say yes automatically out of habit, pressure, or people-pleasing, one of the most helpful tools is to pause.

Try saying:

• “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

• “Can I think about that and let you know?”

Giving yourself space allows you to check in with your real needs instead of reacting from guilt or obligation.

4. Use “I” statements and stay kind but firm

You can be respectful and compassionate and hold a boundary.

Example: “I really value our friendship, and I also need some space right now to recharge.”

5. Don’t overexplain or justify your boundaries

Many of us were taught that we have to “earn” our no — especially if we grew up in environments where saying no wasn’t accepted. But you don’t need to provide a long explanation or defend your choice. You are allowed to protect your time and energy — without guilt, without apologies.

Short, clear statements are enough:

• “I’m not available that day.”

• “That doesn’t work for me.”

• “I need to say no.”

The more you practice this, the more grounded your boundaries will feel.

6. Separate others’ reactions from your responsibility

You can’t control how someone feels about your boundary — only how you express it.

You are responsible for your needs. They are responsible for their reactions.

This separation is key in letting go of guilt.

7. Explore the roots of guilt in therapy

When guilt feels overwhelming or deeply ingrained, it’s often tied to old emotional patterns — like childhood beliefs that your worth depends on being agreeable, accommodating, or self-sacrificing.

Therapy can help you explore where those beliefs came from, understand them with compassion, and learn how to shift them.

You Deserve Space to Protect Your Wellbeing

Healthy boundaries are a crucial part of emotional wellness — and learning to set them without guilt can be freeing, empowering, and healing.

At Kristen Holbrook Counselling, our experienced team in Coquitlam can help you:

• Understand the emotional roots of guilt and people-pleasing

• Learn boundary-setting tools that feel clear and compassionate

• Strengthen your confidence and sense of self

Learn more about our counsellors or book a free 15-minute consultation today to get support in creating boundaries that honour your needs and deepen your relationships — without the guilt.