Why Communication Breaks Down—And How to Rebuild It

We’ve all been there. You’re trying to express how you feel, but somehow it turns into an argument. Or maybe the silence between you and your partner is louder than any words. You wonder: When did it get this hard just to talk to each other?

At our Coquitlam counselling practice, one of the most common concerns we hear is this:

“We’re just not communicating the way we used to.”

Whether it’s with a partner, a family member, or a close friend, communication breakdown can leave you feeling stuck, lonely, and misunderstood. But the truth is, communication challenges are rarely about a lack of love—they’re usually about missing tools, unspoken needs, and emotional patterns we’ve never been taught to recognize.

Let’s explore why communication tends to break down—and more importantly, how you can start rebuilding it.

Common Reasons Communication Breaks Down

1. We Start Assuming Instead of Asking

It’s easy to fall into the trap of “mind reading.” We assume we know what the other person is thinking—or we expect them to automatically know what we need. These unspoken expectations can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Example: You come home from a stressful day hoping your partner will offer comfort. They don’t seem to notice, and instead talk about their day. You feel dismissed. They feel confused. A small misstep snowballs.

2. Emotional Triggers Hijack the Conversation

When we’re triggered, we often react from past pain rather than the present moment. A simple question can feel like criticism. A neutral comment can feel like rejection. These emotional flashpoints make healthy communication almost impossible unless they’re acknowledged and understood.

3. Needs Go Unspoken (Until It’s Too Late)

Many of us struggle to name or express our needs. We might worry about sounding “needy” or “too much.” But when needs aren’t voiced, resentment can build silently over time—and surface as irritation, withdrawal, or conflict.

4. Conflict Is Avoided—or Exploded

Some people retreat to avoid conflict, while others become louder to be heard. Both styles can feel threatening to the other person. Over time, the relationship may feel unsafe for open dialogue, and both people shut down.

5. Life Gets in the Way

Jobs, kids, stress, and screens often get the first slice of our attention. The people closest to us get what’s left—if anything. Without intentional space for connection, communication becomes more about logistics than emotional intimacy.

Common Communication Myths—Debunked

Many people carry misconceptions about what “good communication” looks like, which can make struggles feel even more confusing or discouraging. Let’s clear up some of the most common myths:

• Myth 1: Good communication means never arguing.
  Truth: Healthy communication doesn’t mean always agreeing or avoiding conflict. It means being able to express differences respectfully and listen openly.

• Myth 2: If we love each other, we should understand each other without words.
  Truth: Love is powerful, but it’s not mind-reading. Expressing feelings and needs clearly is essential for true connection.

• Myth 3: Talking more will solve communication problems.
  Truth: It’s not about quantity but quality. Meaningful conversations happen when both people feel safe, heard, and understood.

• Myth 4: One person is responsible for fixing communication.
  Truth: Communication is a two-way street. Both partners need to engage and take responsibility for creating connection.

Recognizing these myths can help ease frustration and open up space for learning new skills.

What Science Says About Communication and Connection

Understanding the psychological and biological side of communication can shed light on why it’s sometimes so hard—and why rebuilding it feels so rewarding.

• The Brain’s Response to Feeling Heard:
  When we feel genuinely listened to, our brain releases oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone.” This chemical helps us feel safe and connected, reinforcing positive interactions.

• Attachment Styles Influence How We Communicate:
  Our early experiences with caregivers shape how we relate to others. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may crave reassurance and fear abandonment, while someone with avoidant attachment may struggle with closeness. Recognizing these patterns helps explain communication challenges.

• The Role of Emotional Regulation:
  When emotions run high, the brain’s “thinking” center (prefrontal cortex) can shut down, making it hard to process information calmly. That’s why taking breaks during heated conversations is not avoidance—it’s necessary for effective communication.

• Nonverbal Communication Is Powerful:
  Studies suggest that up to 70-90% of communication is nonverbal—tone of voice, facial expressions, body language. Sometimes what’s unsaid speaks louder than words.

How to Rebuild Stronger Communication

The good news? Communication is a skill—and like any skill, it can be learned, strengthened, and healed. Here are a few powerful places to start:

1. Make Space for Intentional Conversations

Set aside even 10–15 minutes a few times a week for honest check-ins. No distractions. No multitasking. Just space to listen, share, and reconnect. Think of it as emotional maintenance for your relationship.

2. Learn to Listen Without Fixing

Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can offer is our presence. Instead of jumping in with advice or solutions, try simply saying:

“That sounds really tough. I’m here with you.”

This kind of listening creates emotional safety—and often opens the door to deeper conversations.

3. Speak From the “I”

“I feel hurt when...” lands much differently than “You never...”
Using “I” statements helps lower defensiveness and keeps the focus on your emotional experience rather than blaming the other person.

4. Pause, Then Return

If a conversation gets heated, it’s okay to hit pause. Take a walk. Breathe. Then come back when you’re both calmer. This isn’t avoidance—it’s emotional regulation.

5. Consider Counselling as a Safe Container

You don’t have to untangle communication issues alone. Counselling can offer guidance, structure, and tools to help both people feel seen and heard. It’s not about choosing sides—it’s about creating understanding.

Reconnection Is Possible

When communication breaks down, it can feel like you're drifting further apart with every conversation—or lack thereof. But it doesn't mean your relationship is broken. It means something deeper is asking for your attention.

Whether you're navigating a long-term relationship, co-parenting, or trying to reconnect after a rough patch, support is available. At our Coquitlam counselling practice, we help individuals and couples explore the root causes of communication challenges and build new ways of relating that feel authentic, respectful, and safe.

Ready to Talk—and Be Heard?

If you're feeling disconnected or misunderstood in your relationship, you're not alone. Communication can be rebuilt—with the right tools, a little support, and a lot of compassion.

Read more about couples/marriage counselling and how counselling can help you strengthen the way you connect. You can also learn more about our counsellors and how they can help.

Are You Engaging in Distorted Thinking? How Cognitive Distortions Shape Your Reality

Have you ever been absolutely sure of a conclusion—only to second-guess yourself later? Or has someone pointed out that your reaction seemed irrational in hindsight? If so, you may have been engaging in distorted thinking, often driven by something called cognitive distortions.

What Are Cognitive Distortions?

Cognitive distortions are automatic, habitual patterns of thinking that lead us to conclusions not fully grounded in reality. These mental shortcuts often "fill in the blanks" when we lack complete information, usually without us realizing it.

We all use cognitive distortions from time to time. They're part of how the brain tries to make quick judgments. But when left unchecked, these patterns can fuel anxiety, anger, and negative self-perception.

How Do Cognitive Distortions Work?

Cognitive distortions are especially active when we’re feeling anxious, angry, or overwhelmed—times when the brain’s reasoning center isn’t fully engaged. In these moments, we’re more likely to rely on emotional thinking or assumptions.

Example: Mind Reading

Imagine this: you see an acquaintance, wave hello, and they walk past without acknowledging you. You immediately think, “They must not like me.”
That’s a cognitive distortion known as ‘mind reading’—assuming you know what someone else is thinking without any real evidence. In reality, the person may have simply not seen you or been lost in thought.

Why Are Cognitive Distortions Harmful?

These distorted patterns often lead us to build emotional “cases” based on assumptions, not facts. Once a biased belief is formed, we unconsciously look for evidence to support it—strengthening the distortion and deepening the emotional impact.

Over time, distorted thinking can:

• Increase stress and anxiety

• Fuel anger or resentment

• Damage self-esteem

• Create conflict in relationships

• Prevent clear, rational decision-making

How to Recognize and Challenge Distorted Thinking

Step 1: Learn the Types of Cognitive Distortions

Some common types include:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking – “If I fail at this, I’m a total failure.”

• Catastrophizing – Expecting the worst-case scenario.

• Overgeneralizing – “I always mess up.”

• Labeling – “I’m such a loser.”

• Should Statements – “I should always be in control.”

The more familiar you are with these patterns, the easier they are to spot.

Step 2: Identify the Thought

When you notice a strong emotional reaction, pause and ask:

• “What was I just thinking?”

• “Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?”

Step 3: Challenge the Thought

Use a cognitive distortions worksheet or challenging questions tool to help you reframe your thinking:

• “What else could explain this situation?”

• “Would I say this to a friend?”

• “What evidence do I have that this thought is true—or false?”

Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Clarity and Emotional Balance

Distorted thinking isn’t a flaw—it’s a habit. But it’s one that can be changed with awareness, curiosity, and consistent practice.

By learning to recognize cognitive distortions, you can take a powerful step toward clearer thinking, improved emotional regulation, and healthier relationships—with yourself and others.

Additional Resources:

List of cognitive distortions.

Challenging questions worksheets: a shortened version and a longer version with examples.

Read more about how our counsellors can help.

How Core Beliefs Shape Relationships: Why You and Your Partner See Things So Differently

What Are Core Beliefs?

Core beliefs are the deeply held assumptions we have about ourselves, others, and the world around us. They influence how we think, feel, and behave—often without us even realizing it. These beliefs are usually hidden in our mental “blind spots,” but they shape how we interpret events and relate to others, including our romantic partners.

How Are Core Beliefs Formed?

Core beliefs are formed early in life, primarily through our experiences within our family of origin—the first community we belong to.
They are shaped by the messages we receive directly or indirectly through:

• What we're told

• What is modeled for us

• How we perceive the world around us

These messages may be explicit ("You’re so smart") or implicit (emotional neglect or inconsistency). Over time, they become the internal framework through which we understand ourselves and others—what psychologists call a subjective reality.

A Helpful Analogy: The Tree and the Roots

Think of a person like a tree:

• Core beliefs are the roots—hidden but foundational.

• Just like roots are influenced by the soil, water, and space in which they grow, our beliefs are shaped by the emotional environment of our childhood.

If you grew up in a loving, stable home, you may develop core beliefs like:

• I am lovable.

• People can be trusted.

• The world is safe.

On the other hand, if you grew up with criticism, chaos, or neglect, your beliefs might sound like:

• I’m not good enough.

• Others will hurt me.

• The world is unpredictable or unsafe.

By around age five, our beliefs begin to solidify. Like the top layer of soil covering the roots, we may no longer be aware of these beliefs, they continue to shape how we respond to life and relationships.

Core Beliefs in Romantic Relationships

Because core beliefs operate beneath the surface, they can lead to misunderstandings, assumptions, and emotional conflict between partners. Two people can interpret the same moment in very different ways:

• One person might view a missed text message as rejection.

• The other might see it as no big deal and assume everything’s fine.

These differing interpretations are often driven by unconscious beliefs, not the actual behavior.

Core beliefs can also affect how we perceive our partner’s intentions. If I believe deep down that I’m not important, I may interpret my partner being late as proof that I don’t matter—even if they were stuck in traffic.

Understanding Core Beliefs Can Strengthen Your Relationship

When you become more aware of your own core beliefs, and take the time to understand your partner’s, you gain powerful tools for:

• Building empathy

• Reducing conflict and misunderstanding

• Strengthening emotional intimacy and connection

• Creating a more compassionate and supportive relationship

Final Thoughts

Your core beliefs shape the lens through which you view your partner, your relationship, and even yourself. By becoming more curious about these hidden influences, you open the door to deeper understanding, healthier communication, and greater emotional connection.

Interested in learning more about how core beliefs affect your relationship?

Read more about our counsellors who can help you explore these patterns in a safe, supportive space.